It looks great! Awesome distraction too…now I need to not eat it, as it has sugar in it, and i need to stop the sugar…

that I still like you?

I wonder if you even know.

I just find it odd that I still do, this far away.  The worst is the off and on though.  Sometime I convince myself that its not what it seems, that I am just lonely and long for compainionship, but that usually never lasts long.  

It’s always at night too, when I have the most time to think about you, when my mind goes on and on about the life I dream about.  It would be so perfect.  It would be incredible.  Then I remember, too far away Jayson.  It isn’t going to happen, but I can still hope right? That one day, everything will be as planned, that everything will be perfect.  

If only.  The worse part, is I’m not even going to say anything to you about it. You know why? Because I don’t want to wrap you into that odd situation, and I don’t want to lose you as a friend.  I don’t have the balls to tell you.  I don’t have the confidence to let you know how I feel, reaching out of my comfort zone one more time.  I don’t think I could handle it.  There have been so many times where I felt things were so close to perfection, but I was horribly mistaken.  Those were the moments that I have been in the most pain.  Nothing compares, and it is sad that you are the one that inflicted this pain upon me, because even through all of that, I still feel the same, I still have my hopes.

not really though.

All I’ve ever wanted in my life is to be this fantastic person…for people to look to me for guidance…to be a wonderful father.  I don’t know if it’s just me getting older, or being lonely, but whenever I think about my future life, no matter how much I push her away, she is still there.  By my side.  Helping me through any problems I have, and for her the same.  I keep thinking that I’ll get over her, maybe I can move on.  Sometimes I do, be it passively or forcefully, but it always comes back.  I don’t think it will ever go away.  Every time I think about it, I always think about the whole “Once you love somebody, they are with you forever” or something like that.  I can’t tell if that is what I’m experiencing, or if it is actually true still.

Anyhow, since my tumblr is stupid, and nobody probably even reads it, I figured this would be a great place to vent.  

Grown up life vs Child life……it has to be the most difficult thing to balance in the world.

Most of the time I grip to myself about how shitty a position I am in, when in reality, my life is at its best.  There are things that I wish that I had done, and some that I wish I hadn’t done.  Recently I’ve started to get over the biggest source of drama in my life, and I’ve found relief in that.  Then one night rolls along, and I see the flaws this source has, the problems, insecurities.  The memories that I share, and I thought to myself, “You are never going to get over it, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you will always have feelings for them.”  And you know what? I think that my thoughts are correct. (Obviously) When times are hardest, I’ll be there, when you need somebody, I’ll be there.  You may not use me as something to lean onto anymore, or even as the friends we were, but I’ll always be there.  I’ll jump at any chance to help you, to comfort you, and to make sure you are ok with whatever is happening in your life.  So much so, that it has halted my progress of moving on to fulfill the joys in my life.  I can’t move on because I feel like I will never feel the same about anybody else.  I feel that no matter what, you will be there in the back of my mind, ready to stir up long lost emotions that I constantly think im over with.  So to anybody reading this, know that if you are the person I am talking about, I will always be there for you.  Whenever you need me, and there is nothing you can do to stop me from being there. 

because there is nobody else to blame but myself.

with nobody to talk to most of the time.  It used to be nice, but now it’s just sad.